thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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