How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm too high and old for this...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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