oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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