So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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