why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
