T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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