My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
