my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
