I CAN MOONWALK!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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