Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
