i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
