Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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