so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
