I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
