I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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