Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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