I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
