I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
