she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
