My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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