Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
