I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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