I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
