i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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