you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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