He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
