last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
