So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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