I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
