I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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