so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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