Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize