I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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