hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
