the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize