you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
