I can text with my tongue
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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