I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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