i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
