rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
