i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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