babies were throwing up all over the place
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
