Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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