Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
