If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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