he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
