So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
