well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
