last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
