Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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