oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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