i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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