saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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