I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
