I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i love accidental penises.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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