Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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