I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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