My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
