Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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