You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
