This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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