I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
