Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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