I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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