She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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