I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
