I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
