does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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