my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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