Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize