why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
