We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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