I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
did i walk over a car last night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Randomize
