Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
