They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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