i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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